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The Ndui-Ndui Courier-Telegraph

Iraq "Mission" Still Accomplished and Becoming Even More Accomplished, Says White House

White House officials declared yesterday that the mission of establishing a peaceful and stable Iraq is "still accomplished and becoming even more accomplished every day.

Responding to increased criticism of the Administration's Iraq policies, especially following inquiries into misleading or misrepresentative intelligence reports cited during the months before the war, the White House released progress reports on the Iraq situation yesterday that some commentators have described as defensive.

"Ever since the May 1st, 2003 declaration of the end of hostilities by President Bush from the deck of the USS Stennis, we've noticed that our mission just keeps getting more and more accomplished. In fact, we expect the mission to continue being accomplished for years to come," McClellan said.

McClellan also said that thanks to US and British intervention, Iraq can now be declared officially free of weapons of mass destruction. "There are now no, absolutely no WMD in Iraq. None. The purpose of our mission is yet again vindicated."

Another result of the overwhelmingly successful accomplishing of the mission, said another senior official, is the increasing expenditure of US taxpayer dollars in the Middle East region.

"We're talking about huge, really enormous, budget-shattering accomplishing. As the mission gets more accomplished, we are finding that our commitments in money, time, and troop deployments also increase. This is a byproduct of our success. Personally Im proud to be leaving such a opportunity to continue accomplishing to my children, and maybe my grandchildren too."

Referring to the bloody siege operations dragging on in the Iraqi city of Fallujah, McClellan claimed success for the mission. "America should be pleased with the scale and scope of the Administrations accomplishing in Fallujah. That's a town where the Mission started being accomplished over a year ago and just keeps on being accomplished, even when you think the accomplishing has been quashed by elements of the 24th Infantry Division."


Vanuatu Voted "Best Country to Pee On" 2004

Lacking in more conventional superlatives, Vanuatu was voted by the UN International Urinary Board as 2004's 'Best County to Pee On.'

The UN award, given every four years to the nation or region which best embodies the spirit, meaning, and joy of open urination, is a primarily salutary gesture and includes only a small prize. Seven metric tonnes of tea leaves will be shipped to Port Vila this June for public disbursement.

Vanuatu won the UNIUB award based on its superiority in a number of factors. Board officials cited Vanuatu's loose, volcanic, non-clayey soils, its abundant vegetation, and consistent rainfall in their decision. Compared with some of its strongest competitors, Vanuatus paucity of land mines and bloody coups was a crucial factor.


RPCV Attempts to Buy Single Teabag at Supermarket

Returned Peace Corps Volunteer Gail Nyeberg received quizzical looks from customers and cashiers at the Greensboro, NC Winn Dixie Thursday as she attempted to purchase a solitary teabag through express checkout lane #2.

Nyeberg, who returned from two years of Peace Corps service four weeks ago, was confused by the cashiers inability to scan through the lone teabag.

       "Well, the whole carton was $1.79, and there are 20 in one carton, so thats about 9 each, right?" Nyeberg asked.

Upon here failure to purchase the teabag, Nyeberg confessed to not holding enough money for the whole box, and thereby asked if she could buy the teabag on account.

"I think you got to ask my manager about that," replied cashier Monica Tamworth.

Nyeberg then produced the rest of her groceries, which included a box of cake mix, two loose eggs, and a handful of salt.

"I guess Ill just have to find an orange leaf for my guests," Nyeberg said before being asked to leave the supermarket.


Civilized Yet Manly: Walaha Fashion Combines Sophistication and Ruggedness

A mens fashion statement that appeared sometime in the mid to late 19th century seems to be going strong well into the 21st. Yes, the moustache-flaunting men of Walaha, West Ambae are proving their commitment to good looks.

Were not dealing with the Bislama term 'mustas.' No, this is strictly upper lip territory here, and if you want to get anywhere in this place you must keep up appearances. From the neatly trimmed to the burly handlebar, the moustache is the status quo in Walaha villages.

"Das Mode ist sehr chic," stated Dieter Bachmann, a Stuttgart-based style and fashion consultant currently living in Vilakalaka village. "Lets not kid unselfs," he said. "There are no man bush living around here. Und the full-grown beard is the best sign zat you are a man bush."

But rather than going slick-faced, the men here were definitely looking for something more meaningful. Thats when the singular moustache appeared. Bachmann terms the style 'Der Klugstark,' or 'smart and strong.'

These men want to prove to the rest of West Ambae and Vanuatu that they are not man bush, continued Bachmann. Thats the incentive to shave. But at the same time they still want to be manly, tough men-of-action. Therein comes the intelligent moustache.

If you want to be a bigman in Walaha, the moustache is the first step in getting there. Over 85% of all church leaders, chairmen, and otherwise bigmen have some sort of hairy lip and squeaky clean rest-of-face.

Some men, however, disagree with such advice. "Mi gat wan gudfala moustache be ol man oli no respectem mi nating," said Mackson Singo, a notorious kava drinker and confirmed bachelor well past his marrying days.

The Walaha fashion also provides a sense of identity. When these glorious moustache-bearers go to other parts of West Ambae, people instantly recognize them as Walahatian.

"Evri taem mi go long Nduindui, ol man i singaot, 'Halo Moli! Olsem wanem long Walaha, ples blong you!' Ating from oli luksave moustache blong mi, oli save ples blong mi tu," said Moli. "Sipos mi no gat moustache, bae oli no save se mi blong wea ples."


Nirvana Attained in Unity Park Motel Bathroom

'Hallelujah! Halalulu' Launches Marketing Campaign

Halalulu village recently launched its tourism marketing campaign for 2004. Under the name, 'Hallelujah! Halalulu,' the village hopes to increase interest and jumpstart its slowing tourism industry.

"2004 hemi yia blong Halalulu," says Jameson Garae, chairmain of the Halalulu Tourism Development Board. He believes their strategy is focusing on domestic tourism, not just for white people.            

"Mifala ol black man, mifala ino save gud ol white man. Be mifala save gud ol black man," Garae remarked. "Samtaem, ol black man i kam long difren island olsem tourist. Ol man Santo oli wantem tumas blong lukim Ambae."

When asked what exactly would draw tourists to Halalulu, Garae pointed out several things. Even though the village is not on the coast and has no particular landmarks, there are still tourist attractions. Garae states that Halalulu has more chickens per capita than any other village on West Ambae, "along with wan bigfala pig we i fatfat we. Olsem horse." There is also the hole that Olfala Willy fell into, never to be seen again.

When asked about the genesis of the alliteratory title, Garae responded enthusiastically. "Mifala i plei 7-lock wan dei, John [Banga] i bin talemaot se Halalulu i sound olsem hallelujah klosap nomo. Afta mifala debate gogo mo agri se yes, tufala i sound klosap semak."

While Halalulu has yet to prove the effectiveness of such a program, other communities have already jumped on board in classic Pacific copycat style. The 'Kranke for Namberunkwonge' program hopes to lure extreme ecotourists and those in the hafhaf mentally-challenged demographic. But maybe none show as much promise as Masalato villages 'Masa-lotto.' In just under 10 weeks of operation, the lottery has already produced a jackpot of over 4200 vatu.

        Regardless of outcomes, its clear that area businessmen are currently focused on marketing. We can only expect more snazzy catchphrases to appear over the short term followed by a gradual fade-out over 4-6 weeks, after which the entire concept will be forgotten.