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American Finally Free to Walk About
American PCV Dale McAllister has been enjoying his new-found freedom of movement in the north Tanna village of Enmel, in comparison to his horrendously violent, balkanized, and bullet-ridden homeland of central Illinois. "Whew, I feel so free and relaxed here," remarked McAllister of his new, murder- and aggravated-battery-free surroundings. "Here I'm free to walk anywhere, to anyone's village or anyone's house, without anyone 'talking.' Back home in Evanston Id be lizard-crawling through the mud right now, my eyes constantly scanning for hidden snipers. But here I can walk any place without fear of a sudden skyscraper collapse or high speed motorcycle/tractor trailer chase."
McAllister, encouraged by Tanna locals, has delighted in freely walking to different locations and observing the moon, which in his home town was perpetually obscured by 500-story buildings.
"Yu no fraet," chuckled local man Raymond. "Ino gat was man we i save spolem you long rod. Ples ia ino olsam ples blong yu!"
Last week McAllister celebrated his non-gunfire-invoking free agency by walking to the nearby village of Lowenreng, where his fellow PCV Sandra Davis was giving a short toktok.
"Yu go, Dale. Yu free blong wokabaot eni ples!" encouraged Raymond. "Be sipos yu go long Lowenreng, yu karem kakae blong yu. Yu no kakae eni samting we olgeta i givim long yu. Olgeta ol man blong poison."
McAllister enjoyed his armed robbery-free walk to Lowenreng but unfortunately was only able to visit Davis for an hour. At 3pm she had to return to her village, early enough so she wouldnt get caught walking on the road alone in the dark.
Spoon Coveted
Cutlery experts announced that the first ever recorded spoon coveting took place last week on the south Pacific island of Tanna.
This historic moment in spoon history occurred Friday night in the central Tanna village of Tilagang, in the home of US Peace Corps volunteer Carl Andrews. Another Tanna-based PCV, Darrel Johanssen, was visiting Andrews for the weekend.
The coveting took place as Andrews prepared an after-supper pot of tea, using a thick-handled nickel-plated steel spoon that he had brought from the US. The spoon was of such manifest superiority that Johanssen could not contain his jealous envy.
"Dude, this spoon is kick-ass," Johanssen reportedly told his host Andrews. "You could drive nails with this thing."
Andrews concurred with Johanssen, unavoidable given the spoon's near-perfect embodiment of the true ideal of spoonness, but he could also not help noticing his guest's obvious coveting, throughout the evening, of the utencil in question.
"Man, I know a few people who would kill for a spoon like this," Johanssen said with an almost alarming vigor, while Andrews wondered if the 'people' to which Johanssen referred included himself.
Fotunately for Andrews and his continued possession of the spoon, the evening concluded without incident.
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New 'Black Man Time Zone' Declared for Vanuatu
An agreement between the Greenwich Royal Observatory in Britain and the government of Vanuatu has resulted in the declaration of a new 'Black Man Time Zone' for the country effective sometime next month.
Intended to provide a more appropriate time-tracking system for Vanuatu, the 'Black Man Time Zone,' or BMT for short, will soon replace dejure what was never actually adopted defacto by the public in the first place -- the International Standard 24-hour clock system.
Instead, BMT will provide meaningful Bislama names for the cardinal times of the day, such as Taem Sun igo Daon, and Taem Faol i Singaot. Experts expect indicators to be more applicable to everyday life in Vanuatu than abstract concepts such as "3" or "on time."
"Mi harem se niufala BMT blong yumi i stret," said Tongoa Pastor David Rodney. "Taem blong white man i gud, be i stret long olgeta. Taem mifala yusum, you save, heh, heh, mifala wok long black man taem. So naoia yumi folem stret nomo." Retailers in Port Vila and Santo are already preparing clocks bearing the new BMT designations, expected to be hot sellers alongside volumes of Bislama poetry and cassettes of the "U.B.B. String Bang." The new clocks have replaced the familiar numbers 1-12 with Bislama phrases, most of which concern the daily natural behavior of chickens.
Government officials have yet to announce a definite date for the system changeover. "Mifala ibin talemaot meeting blong decidem samting ia finis," explained Minister Silas Toko. "Be ol memba blong bod oli kam late. Be bae i start sam taem long nekis manis, ating."
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| The new Bislama BMT clock for Vanuatu |
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Vanuatu to Bush Administration: "Mekem Strong!"
The government and people of Vanuatu have sent a clear message to the increasingly embattled Bush Administration: "Strong! Mekem strong!"
Tiring of reports about the Bush White House's defensiveness over issues of the transfer of power in Iraq, the withdrawal of key allies such as Spain from the region, the internment of allied nationals at Guantanamo Bay, a reticence to take action in Haiti, increased security precautions taken with foreign visitors to the US, questions about the duplicity of the governments rationale for invading Iraq, the lack of incriminating WMD found there, the jobless American economic recovery, the tacit approval of Israeli military actions in the West Bank, and the continued existence of France, ni-Vanuatu from the prime minister on down are telling the US President: "Mekem strong!"
"Man, mi lez blong harem samting ia finis!" exclaimed Nanako Pastor James Vuti after listening to the 5.30pm news from Radio Vanuatu last week. "Mi talem long man ia Bush, mas mekem strong! Sipos mi? Sipos mi stap long Iraq naoia, man, bae mi no stap quiet. Mi bae mi spray nomo."
Vanuatu's support for its favorite enormous-rear-echelon-supply-base-constructing nation comes from official sources as well. Learning of the condemnation by the Malaysian government of US foot-dragging in the Middle-East peace process, Penama provincial councilman Silas Ngwera exhorted Bush, "Yu no fraet! Mekem strong! Samting ia, hemi wan history mo wan psychology."
Meanwhile area youth Ruebenson Tari, looking over Americas shoulder as it attempted to establish peace and stability in Iraq, instructed simply, "Strong! Mekem strong!"
Malo Tourism, continued from P.1
"We've got to look at what we have here on Malo, and what were good at," explained Gillaume. Its all about selling yourself. So I looked at Malo, and saw that weve got full-up mix-man, a high level of inter-ethnic social tension between all the man-Ambae, Malakula, Ambrym, whatever, a simmering land dispute that could result in the uncompensated eviction of about 500 people here on East [Malo], and above all a venerated and time-honored tradition of stabbing. So were running with it."
According to Gillaume, the standard tour package will include:
1. A museum of knives in Vutikere; small knives, big knives, bell knives, knife handles wrapped in old inner-tube rubber, 28-inchers, and the infamous 'Tramontina De-face-inator' used in the June 1998 Malo stabbing.
2. Trip to a 'Kastom Ethnic Tension Village' on East Malo, where visitors will witness a divided community of man-Malakula and man-Ambrym who live in cold hostility amongst one another.
3. The site of the 2002 Avunitari Primary School Massacre, where School Board Chairman Jacob Tabwe stabbed Year 5 Teacher Vatu Nigel 13 times, during a meeting of the school board. Visitors will meet Tabwe and watch him reenact the fabled scene on the classroom floor (with a lucky volunteer from the audience, perhaps).
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| The giaman Ronaldo from Ambae |
Ronaldo Look-Alike Guarantees Victory
Harrington Toko, Walaha resident and midfielder/striker on AS Concorde football club, recently sent shockwaves through the Walaha Football League last Friday with an outrageous self-comparison to Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo.
Shortly before Concorde and Haka United played a friendly match, Toko made the following statement to dozens of players and even more spectators:
"Bae mi talem se Concorde I mas winim mats tedei. Long naet, woman blong mi I bin talem se mi luk olsem Ronaldo. Semak nomo. Hemi minim se mi bae mi mas mekem plante goal. Bae Comcorde I winim Haka. Mi talem tru, mi no save giaman."
The crowd was instantly in an uproar. Church leaders exclaimed the sin of being a false prophet, league officials started taking bets, and yangfala boys openly questioned Tokos manhood. When representatives of Haka United demanded a review of FIFA regulations to determine if such proclamations were legal, the council of chiefs organized an immediate meeting.
While deliberations proceeded, Harrington waited outside the meeting smoking cigarettes. The findings were inconclusive but left to be discussed at the community meeting after next month.The players hesitantly returned to the field to start play and the spectators were unsure whether to stand up or go ahead and sit down. The tension was broken, however, by Harringtons brother Jomah, who made the startling revelation that Harrington didnt have a woman and had never even seen pornography.
With the defacto negation of Tokos claim, the match went ahead, which Concorde lost 0-16.
Iraq Stinks, continued from p.1
"Yes, oli talem se Iraq hemi ripe with the scent." Pleased with his English skills, Irish pumped his fist twice in the air followed by a shout of, "'Fresh from the farm!'"
This journalist decided to do some double checking, and anonymous sources obtained a transcript of the Euronews report. The actual line concerning Iraq was 'Rife with Dissent.'
Upon connection of this consonant-borne error, Irish agreed. "Yes, longwe ples I doti tumas. Ating ol rotten mango long graon. Sipos ol black man i go, bae mifala pikemap doti blong olgeta. Be mi harem se no. Tumoro bae mi selaot copra, mi no save go. Traem askem Henry."
February, continued from p.1
Ending Viek's unsolicited string of February condemnations, most of which featured only the name of the offending month and the word no, was a lengthy and authoritative diatribe on the origins of February, from the Roman god Februus and the Anglo-Saxon commemoration of the 'sprote-kal monath,' the time when the kale first sprouted early in the year, through to the latter-day corruptions of Februarys meaning and essence by the Pope Gregory XIII in 1582, and attempts to recapture the originators intent by Coptic Christians operating in the highlands of Abyssinia.
"February? No," concluded Viek.
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